PETA Releases A List Of Updated Animal Sayings That Won't Hurt Animals' Feelings

You might expect me to sewer PETA for this initiative. But when you think about it, animals have feelings just like us. Have you ever yelled at your dog for getting into the trash? Poor thing will respond with a bowed head, tail between the legs, and a sad face that will melt your heart until you forgive it. That’s shame, which is a feeling.

Have you ever trapped an entire family of rabbits to turn into the lining of your winter coat? As they sit there in a cage, watching you sharpen your knives, they tremble behind their little pink noses. That’s fear, which is also a feeling.

Clearly, animals have feelings. And so, as PETA asks us to amend some common English idioms to avoid speciesism (tough word!), I’d like to throw a few of my own into the stew.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush ————– Walk away from the blackjack table.

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Birds of a feather flock together ———— Yikes. Not a single minority at this party.

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch ——When you budget for one kid and your wife has twins so you buy the best life insurance policy and step off a bridge.

I have bigger fish to fry ———-It’s over. I met an Instagram model with no self-esteem.

This is a wild goose chase ———YOU SAID THERE’D BE “TONS OF COKE” AT THIS PARTY.

The early bird gets the worm ——– We can have morning sex, but my dick won’t be as strong.

If you’re not mad, you should be. It’s Wednesday.