The Mayor Of Fall River Just Got Arrested By The FBI, I Retract My Endorsement Of Him

Fall River stand up! Another W for the Hilltoppers, baby! I think our last mayor had mob ties or some shady shit and got investigated by a special prosecutor for flashing a gun trying to intimidate… then City Councilor Jasiel Correia, the same man who got arrested this morning. We’re on a hot streak, folks, and it’s been cooking since the Lizzie Borden days.

But why am I really blogging this? Well, I’ve got some business to attend to. As Michael Scott said you’ve gotta alert the media, then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to OJ.

So I’d like to clear the air: I did not endorse Jasiel Correia. I guess I did, *technically* but I didn’t really mean to. You see, about five years ago I was home at BK’s Tavern enjoying some drinks and local politics. I lived in Boston at the time and a family friend, I don’t remember who, was running for some kind of office, I don’t remember what, so I drove down to see some old friends and support the aforementioned family friend. While grabbing a drink at the bar a shockingly young man came up to me and introduced himself as a mayoral candidate. He gave me the elevator pitch and asked if he could count on my support, I said probably not as I live in Boston and wouldn’t be voting in a Fall River election. So he asked what I did in Boston, why I was there, etc.

Boy did his eyes light up when I told him that I worked for Barstool Sports and I was there with my parents because I grew up in Fall River. He immediately called over his press team, which I believe was his mom with an iPhone, so we could take a picture together. You see, Fall River doesn’t get much “celebrity” love. There were rumors growing up that Mo Vaughn got a DUI there and Busta Rhymes got arrested at the Bee’s Nest, though I’m not sure either of those are actually true, so if you’ve got a triple digit social media following you’re a somebody. Right before the press team took our photo I was asked in that weird “we’re about to take a picture but I have one more thing I want to say so I’m gonna push it through my teeth while holding a smile” way, “do you mind if I post this picture on the campaign page and say we have your endorsement?” My answer to almost everything is a half-hearted “Yeah yeah, definitely,” in attempts to end the social interaction as quickly as possible, so I gave him the same response.

I can’t find the picture (I didn’t look all that hard) so maybe my endorsement never even got posted, but I’d just like to be clear: I never REALLY endorsed Jasiel Corriea, I was just being polite to a stranger. I do not support defrauding investors and using funds to pay for lavish lifestyles. This will be my only statement on the matter.

Also, I was talking to my mom this morning and she said “If you write about this don’t be mean about Fall River! Say something nice too!” So I will end this by saying that Fall River is a city in Massachusetts and its residents have enjoyed unprecedented success in professional sports for the last two decades.

PS – My favorite part about Fall River has always been the fact that the police motto is “We’ll Try.” Not even, “We’ll Do Our Best” just “Eh, Look, We’ll Take the Call But Don’t Expect Much More Than That.”