The Kmarko Oscars 2018

Welcome back to the annual Kmarko Oscars breakdown!  Big movie guy.  Biiiiiiig movie guy.  So it’s only fitting that I weigh in on THE premier night for movies.  Super Bowl Prop Bets and movies, the two times I bust out the old school blogging fingers and go hammer on my keyboard for an entire day.

I’ve also realized a lot lately that I care a lot more about MY opinions than the opinions of critics.  I noticed that out of all the movies I’ve seen this year, most of the ones nominated weren’t the ones that stood out to me.  That the ones I talk about with my Twitter Fam when I’m giving out recommendations aren’t the ones being recognized by the Academy.

So for that reason I’ve decided to create my OWN Oscars – the best and worst of the year, as rated by me.  The Kmarko Oscars.  The Oscars for the movies us common people watched and liked.  We don’t need an Academy to tell us what was good, or even what the categories are.  We can just make up our own.

Real quick, here are my thoughts on the actual Oscars:

My picks (not predictions) for who should win the real Oscars.

-Three Billboards (Best Picture)

-Gary Oldman (Best Actor)

-Frances McDormand (Best Actress)

-Sam Rockwell (Best Supporting Actor)

-Laurie Metcalf (Best Supporting Actress)

-Jordan Peele (Director)

Three Billboards was incredible and deserved all the hype it got, McDormand is a landslide, Oldman is a landslide, Rockwell was incredible, I liked Metcalf more than Janney, and Get Out needs to get recognized for something.

Robbie will have a full blog on all those movies later – for a full hour of me breaking down the Oscar contenders you can check out my podcast that I did with the lovely Kelly Keegs on Whine With Kelly where I gave my thoughts on every one, recommended some movies off the grid, and answered fan questions about where the semen goes during sex scenes.

Now for the real ones…

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KMARKO’S OSCARS

BEST MOVIE

Blade Runner 2049

Blade Runner was fantastic.  Plain and simple.  It was an outrageously good movie in every single way.  The writing.  The acting.  The story.   The visuals.  The music.   Did it help that I just happened to watch this at the direct peak of a MASSIVE Sci-Fi kick?  Probably.   But that doesn’t change the fact the movie was just fucking dope.  And I don’t use the word dope.  That’s how dope it was.

I saw the original wayyyy back in the day, and while it’s a classic so you may want to watch it anyway, you don’t necessarily have to rewatch to get what’s going on.  A Wikipedia review of the plot will remind you of everything you need to know.  Ryan Gosling at his absolute best.  Harrison Ford da god.  Jared Leto perfect for this role.  Sylvia Hoeks the perfect badass villain.  ANA DE ARMAS!

So good.  I know it bombed and a ton of people will find it boring.  Not me.  I think it was damn close to the perfect movie.

MY TOP 5 OF THE YEAR

1) Blade Runner

2) Sweet Virginia

Jon Bernthal became my favorite actor of 2017/2018 I think.  Outta nowhere.  HUGE Jon Bernthal emergence.  Feel like he was in 30 different things over the past year, and none were better than Sweet Virginia.  The movie I have next was “off the radar” with heavy quotation marks, but Sweet Virginia was SERIOUSLY off the radar.  I don’t even know how I heard about it in the first place, but I’m happy I did.  Similar to Blade Runner – you might find it boring.  Maybe I’m finding a theme here of what I like.  But as a slow burn, tension filled, badass tale of two men going head to head, it doesn’t get better than this.

3) Wind River

This one has become so underrated and off the radar that I think it’s actually rated on the radar now?  So many people have talked about how amazing it is and how you have to see it that I’m pretty sure it’s not a “sneaky hit” anymore, it’s just a flat out hit.

I will say, this movie has a scene in it that is very, very tough to watch.  It’s one of the few times that I’ve ever been like, truly affected by something I knew was fake being carried out by actors.  I won’t spoil anything but let’s just say, no matter how many words you can read about it, nothing will make you fully realize the dangers that women face than Wind River.

4) Three Billboards

The Oscar movie that most deserves all the accolades it’s about to get.  Flawless acting.  A simple, gripping story.  Suspenseful, sad, funny, moving.  Honestly my only complaint was that I thought it could have been a little longer, and I rarely say that about movies.  I thought Rockwell’s character arc flipped a tiny bit too quickly.  But the outrage over his whole part?  Grow up.  It’s a movie.  It’s a fictional scripted character.  The guy wasn’t a disgusting racist bigot who woke up one day and saved humanity and became worshiped by all the white people in the land.  The guy was a disgusting racist bigot who went through several extreme, life altering situations, had a slight change of character because of it, and ends off traveling in a car to go murder someone he thought was an asshole.  Get real.

5) Dunkirk

Tough call between this and Get Out, but Dunkirk gets the nod in my top 5.  I really, really wish I knew more about the real life battle before heading into it so I could fully appreciate all of it.  But from what was shown on the screen, the whole depiction was perfectly done.  The land, sea and air segments were all perfectly shot and edited together and flowed seamlessly.  Christopher Nolan is the fucking man and proved it once again.  And I will give full due props to Harry Styles.  He acted the shit out of this.

BEST MOVIE THAT I ONLY HEARD ABOUT AND WATCHED BECAUSE THE STAR DID A PROMOTIONAL TOUR THROUGH KFC RADIO AND ENDED UP ACTUALLY LOVING

Shot Caller

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Nikolaj Coster-Waldau did his promo tour for this movie and ended up on KFC Radio for it.  I don’t normally fanboy over the guests we have, but KFC mentioned something to me that he said during the interview that made it seem super interesting.  So I fired it up.  And it was great!  I find myself thinking about this movie a lot and wanting to watch it again.  I honestly think the title and the cover art did it a huge disservice.

I think “Shot Caller” with a picture like that looks like a movie a big time TV actor does in his free time that goes straight to demand.  I would never ever consider that movie based on looks alone.  I would literally judge a movie by its cover.  Thank god he did the press tour – shout out PR people – and got me to see it, because it’s very good!

BEST ALMOST EXACT KNOCKOFF OF THE PREVIOUS MOVIE I JUST MENTIONED THAT WASN’T AS GOOD BUT WAS STILL VERY GOOD

Brawl In Cell Block 99

I watched this right after Shot Caller.  It’s essentially the same movie.  Since that same movie was awesome, that was a good thing!

The sound of Vince Vaughn stomping his foot through a guy’s face and dragging the remnants of his skull along the concrete floor of a jail is a sound that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

THE OVERRATED MOVIE THAT WASN’T ACTUALLY OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Get Out

Listen I can be a big contrarian.  It’s a character flaw I’m working on, but I’m not there yet.  When I see a movie get 100% on Rotten Tomatoes and see it get every headline in the world sucking its dick, I’m going to head into it primed to hate it.

I thought Get Out was awesome.  I mean it was just a really, really good movie.  A really deep, important metaphor packaged in a horror comedy.  You know how hard that shit is to do?   I’ve never tried to do it.  But I bet very hard!

I wish it got a 92%.  I wish I went into the theater thinking it was not “perfect” so I wasn’t constantly looking to nitpick.

Also I love you Allison Williams.  Definitely not the character you portray in this particular movie, but in general.

WEIRDEST MOVIE IN A GOOD WAY

Killing Of A Sacred Deer

This is the exact definition of a movie I love that I can’t possibly recommend.  I can’t hop on Twitter and say “hey everyone go check this out!” in good conscience.  It’s so fucking weird dude.  It’s by the director of The Lobster, which if you’ve seen it, you know kind of defines the category of “weird movies.”  So basically Yorgos Lanthimos is just a weird motherfucker.  Everything is idiosynchratic right down to the dialogue.  People don’t actually speak like this in real life, which makes it even more eerie since you’re uncomfortable the whole time.  But the plot is this – a kid puts a curse on a doctor where each member of his family will slowly die of an unknown illness unless he makes the choice to kill one of them.  Pretty badass right.  That’s what hooked me too.  Read the Wiki for Iphigenia in Aulis by Euripedes- that’s the play it’s based on and what the deer reference means.

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Iconic:

THE YOU MIGHT THINK IT’S TOO STRANGE AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON FROM THE TRAILER BUT IT’S AN AWESOME MOVIE MOVIE

Good Time

This movie kind of applies to the “weird movie” category as well I guess.  Not as much, but it’s definitely different, and if you see the trailer – it doesn’t exactly draw you in.  It’s Robert Pattison in oversized Ecko clothes running around a city.

Normally that sounds like a nightmare.  Ole Twilight face ass.  But I highly recommend.  It’s like a nonstop thriller that doesn’t let up and is a super fun watch.

WEIRDEST MOVIE IN A BAD WAY

Mother!

I get it.  I get Mother!  I get everything about it – I get the allegory it’s representing, I get the weirdness of it, I get why it is the way it is.  I get the exact story it is telling.  This isn’t one of those movies where you “just don’t get it” – it’s just not enjoyable.  It’s not an enjoyable movie.   I won’t spoil it but honestly it’s a better movie if you see it spoiled – the only reason I enjoyed it even SLIGHTLY is because I read the entire plot, read the entire step by step guide on what it was in reference too, and then watched the movie that way, looking for the symbols and metaphors.  Which was kind of fun for a little bit, but I’m not a Bible guy, and this was just too strange for my taste.

THE YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME, PEOPLE LIKED THIS MOVIE? MOVIE

It

Boy did I hate It.   Come on with this It love.  People really think that was a good movie?  I get the nostalgia factor but this shit was so lame.   It wasn’t even scary!  And I’m a huge pussy.  Just a straight up conventional horror movie with a huge name brand attached.  And are we pretending those kid actors were anything better than mediocre?  Stranger Things crew wiped the floor with them.

BEST “LOOK WHAT A CULTURED, THOUGHTFUL CINEPHILE I AM” MOVIE

A Ghost Story

Yooooooo this is where I stunt on everybody.  This is where Big Movie Guy Keith drops his first “FILM” of the show.  Make no mistake about it, A Ghost Story is a FILM.  This ain’t a movie.  This is a film you see in the cinema.  You wear glasses when you see it, even if you don’t need them.  You leave your scarf on.  You tuck your mittens into your coat pocket and say “good afternoon” or “good evening” to the couple next to you.

You know what happens in this movie?  Casey Affleck dies and becomes a motherfucking ghost walking around in a motherfucking white sheet.

He doesn’t even talk!  He’s just that ghost.  He watches his wife Rooney Mara (whom it is quite literally a crime against humanity that she wasn’t nominated for her work) go through the grieving, then watches as new families move in to the house, and goes on endlessly through time, until the house is just rubble in a futuristic landscape.

And it’s fucking awesome!  I thought it was so good.  I’m not ashamed of it.  It’s beautiful.  It’s heartbreaking.  I’ll say it right now to everyone.  I am a cultured, thoughtful motherfucker and I loved A Ghost Story.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

It Comes At Night

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Man I was so pumped for this movie.  I even blogged about it when the first trailer dropped, and I only blog a movie trailer if I am REALLY excited about it.  I don’t really do “horror” movies but I like “scary” movies if that makes sense – thrillers I guess?  Whatever this is classified is, I like these movies.  Where you deal with the jump scares and stuff but at its heart it has a super interesting plot and interesting themes.  Also it was starring Joel Edgerton who might sneaky be my favorite actor and was the star of one of my top 10 movies of all time, Warrior.

But this just fell so flat to me.  So, so flat.  I hated it.  I couldn’t get into it at all.  I don’t know what it was exactly, and I’ve been trying to pinpoint it.  But I was just so insanely bored and disinterested.  I wasn’t on my phone, I didn’t have anything going on.  I just didn’t like it.  Maybe it deserves another shot.  But it was easily the most disappointed I was in a movie all year.

MOST BORING MOVIE THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE IF YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR DAD

Walking Out

I just watched this the other night.  I knew exactly what I was getting into.  I knew I wasn’t gonna like it.  I knew it would bore me.  I knew it was one of those movies where you know exactly what happens and how it ends, “but it’s the journey that matters.”  I don’t know why,  maybe it was the 92% on Rotten Tomatoes that got me, but I rented it anyway.

And it was fine.  I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s a good movie, and it’s beautifully shot and all that.  I just didn’t really care?  I mean I love my dad but this didn’t like pull at my heartstrings or anything.  I guess if you REALLY, REALLY love your dad, you might think this movie is amazing.

THE I WAS FEELING FRISKY AND DECIDED TO WATCH A TRUE HORROR MOVIE AND ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKED IT MOVIE:

The Ritual

Like I said I’m a huge pussy, but horror movie plots fascinate me.  I want to know what the story is and what happens without actually having to watch it with my eyes and pooping myself.  Any really interesting horror movie I hear about I’ll just read the Wikipedia plot for it.  But for some reason I was lying on the couch one night, didn’t have much going on, and said you know what Keith, let’s man up and try one.  Let’s do it.  Having recently read a good review about The Ritual and seeing it pop right up on my Netflix, that was the choice.  And it did not disappoint.

Through my cracked fingers and face hidden behind a pillow, I found myself really enjoying it.  Incredibly character-driven for a “scare” movie, with fleshed out roles and a real point behind everything that was happening.

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR

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Mute

Dude, wow.  Mute.  Mute was bad.  Mute was so, so, so bad.  My god was it bad.  Remember the Sci Fi kick I said I was on?  This could not have been more perfectly timed for me.  Yet another futuristic, Blade-Runnerish Netflix movie starring Skaarsgaard, Thereoux and Paul Rudd.  Neon lights, super cool music, a great trailer.  How in the WORLD could that be a miss?  I was so pumped.

And then the reviews came in.  5% opening on Tomatoes.  Listen I pay attention to movie scores, but I’m not a snob – a movie that gets a 50 or 55 or something can easily end up being an awesome movie, while a 95 could just be some artsy fartsy piece of shit.  However – 5% is very bad.  That goes beyond like, “fussy critics.”  That’s a huge red flag that something is dogshit.

But I was bored and just couldn’t believe it could possibly be so bad so I said fuck it.  Let’s give it a fair shot.  If anything the contrarian in me was extra motivated to love it and spit in the face of the critics.

Buddy…it was so bad.  It was just really, really depressingly bad.  Maybe you’ve seen that gif of the dumpster, and inside the dumpster there is garbage, and that garbage is on fire.  People use it on the internet a lot to describe bad things.  If you could turn that dumpster fire GIF into a 2+ hour feature length Netflix movie, this is it.  The living embodiment.

PS,

Paul Rudd was pretty good.  Well, he wasn’t bad.  I will give him that.

THE I’M NOT A RACIST I SWEAR TO GOD I JUST HONESTLY HAVE NOT HAD TIME TO SEE IT YET MOVIE:

Black Panther

Seriously, I haven’t had a second of free time to go see it.  I want to see it.  I swear I will.

Francis Reviews “Shape of Water”:

I saw The Shape of Water in Providence, RI, because it was 5 degrees outside and I had to kill an entire day before a show. The mall in which the movie theater was housed was connected to my hotel via skywalk, so it seemed like a good idea given that we could get to the movie without venturing outside. We walked through the mall, riding countless escalators, passing Auntie Ann’s and a Dave and Busters. All around us, happiness emanated from the smiles and laughter of children and families spending the day strolling the gleaming, sterile walkways of the mall. It felt like we had stepped into the wellspring of joy.

Which is why it was so jarring when The Shape of Water started. This movie was so dreadful that when we bought our tickets, the cashier lady said, “are you sure?” In truth, we had wanted to see the Winston Churchill movie–The Darkest Hour. But on that particular Saturday, the 11:30AM showing of The Darkest Hour had been selected as the closed-caption movie of the day. Apparently this movie theater has a lot of deaf customers because they play one movie a day with subtitles. I don’t go to the movies to see a bunch of deaf people signing “let’s see that” after a preview they like (thumbs up) or “pass the popcorn” (closed fist turns to open hand, symbolizing the popping of a popcorn kernel) or “handjob?” (jerk semi-open fist quickly, preferably with some sort of lubricant, mostly focusing on the top half, other hand attending to balls while also signing “nice balls”). I find the handjob sign incredibly distracting.

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Here’s how bad The Shape of Water was: after the movie, despite my hatred of subtitles, I wished that I had been born deaf. I would rather have endured a lifetime of silence and collisions with cars than the melancholic drivel that was The Shape of Water. What is the movie about? Rain. Loneliness. Mermaid penis. Fittingly, the heroine is mute, so there were plenty of subtitles anyway! The Shape of Water is a 2-hour damp towel that clings to your skin after a hot shower; it is a water-boarding interrogation when you actually don’t know the answer; it’s a glass of the log flume bandaid water at your local water park; it’s the diluted coffee water in your iced coffee cup that you forgot to throw away. If you like things that are wet for the wrong reasons, this movie might be for you.

Between the bizarre sex scenes, the gratuitous violence, and the dead-horse themes of captivity and xenophobia, I give this film 2 thumbs down– the sign-language gesture for “nope!”

CHAPS PICK OF THE YEAR:

Coco

You guys know me. Huge film fan. Movies. This year I watched over 7 feature films and I was blown away by Coco. It’s not just because I’m a sucker for a smooth Mexican guitar or dead dogs that fly, it’s because the story of family in Coco warms your heart like a Mexican hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.

Recently, my dog murdered my wife’s cat in cold blood. I know that sounds sad but it is actually beautiful. This year for the Day of the Dead, I will put my dead cat’s water bowl out as an alter. Kinda deep, right?

I also really enjoyed Planet Earth 2. Lol that little lizard! RUN!

THE LIZ GONZALES TALKS ABOUT PORN AND HER SEX LIFE ANNNND YOU ALREADY SKIPPED DOWN

Fifty Shades Freed- Best Bad Movie That Makes Me Wish I Was The Protagonist

The Oscar-less series finale opens with the wedding of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. A white dress, a happy-looking groom, dancing… and that’s about where any sense of reality ceases in this flick.

(Full disclosure: I have not seen any of the other Fifty Shades something or other, and I did see this movie as a single gal right around Valentine’s Day with one of my best lady friends. The hormones, and thus review, definitely reflect that.)

If I want to watch porn, I will stay home and hop on the computer. The people saying this is lady porn, are clearly people who don’t watch porn.

This is NOT lady porn; however, it IS relationship sex goals.

The relationship between Anastasia (strong name for a too-weak character) and Christian, is seemingly unhealthy and controlling- she can’t fart without him there to protect her from possibly dutch-ovening herself- but their sex life, on the other hand, leaves me both frustrated and hopeful.

Frustrated because:

1) Sitting in a chair that has embraced millions of asses while a hot (albeit, short) man is tying his wife up and doing nasty things to her, is not the ideal situation.

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2) It’s not happening to me at the moment.

And hopeful because:

1) It COULD happen to me in the future.

Overall, the movie was terrible, but you can’t put a price on sex hope, so thanks Christian.  -LG

CLEM’S REVIEW OF “The Most Disappointing Movie of the Year”- The Last Jedi.

Truth be told, the best way I’ve heard The Last Jedi described on the internet is that it’s like that goddamn dress from a couple years ago.

Everyone sees The Last Jedi one way or the other and they cannot fathom how the other side sees it their way. Some people like Robbie Fox thinks it was a masterpiece that not only progressed the Star Wars story but enriched it. Others like me thinks it was a pile of bullshit that killed any momentum The Force Awakens gave us.

So I bet you are saying, “Clem, you dolt. Wouldn’t that make The Last Jedi the Divisive Movie of the Year”? Maybe, I suppose. But KMarko said I could give any movie from the last year an award so I am choosing to use my time to slander the fuck out of The Last Jedi. It stink, stank, stunk. Okay, that may be a little strong. But fuck it was a disappointing movie. Biggest letdown I’ve had in the theater since, well probably since the prequels to the original Star Wars trilogy. I know I’ve already griped about this movie enough when I blogged and podcasted about it. But that was before all the internet think pieces came out about how if you hated The Last Jedi, you are sexist, racist, or both, which makes no sense. In fact I say if you like The Last Jedi, YOU are the sexist and racist one.

So I am taking this prime piece of real estate in my Editor In Chiefs annual blog to again remind everyone that The Last Jedi stunk. And if you disagree with me then you are a Star Warrior that is blind to the real truth. Yeah that’s right, I am officially making Star Warriors the people that blindly defend Star Wars no matter how logical it is like the SJWs of Twitter. And since this blurb appears in our EICs signature blog, it makes it truer than any other blog on the site.

BIG CAT REVIEWS “DARKEST HOUR”-

And finally…

A Deeper Dive Into Boss Baby – The Themes, Motifs, And What We Will Learn From The Film Within the Film by Barstool Nate

At first glance, Boss Baby is a happy-go-lucky film about a baby who also happens to be a boss at a huge empire, Baby Corp. Now, you might be wondering, how is he both a boss…and a baby? And folks, let me tell you, the answer isn’t so easy. Because while a simpleton might walk out of Boss Baby delighted by the whimsical humor, witty dialogue, and fabulous animation, there is a much deeper meaning to it. It’s a story about leadership. About betrayal. About the socio-economic divide in the United States, mass deforestation and the overhaul of environmental laws, the ever-ending battle for a clean and reliable water supply in a time of increased contaminates and pollutants, and a plethora of other social, religious, and geo-political issues.

You see, people like to poke fun at the Boss Baby. “The plot holes are outrageous” they claim. “The motifs are tired and the colloquialism don’t hit” others exclaim. These are people who need Boss Baby the most. People who need to look at the film within the film, and see the deeper meaning, like in another well-done film this year, “Get Out”. I’m not going to explain the deeper meanings in that film (animals, exercise, McDonald’s expansion, bowling alley etiquette, etc) but you get it.

So yes, I will address the elephant in the room: Is it ok that Boss Baby was snubbed out of a nomination (and win) for Best Picture? It is. It is ok. Because much like the problems, complications, and situations the film addresses, history will have the final say. Just remember, Goodfellas lost to Dances With Wolves. Saving Private Ryan lost to freaking Shakespeare in Love. And in 2010, I mean look at this travesty:

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Inception! 127 Hours! True Grit! Social Network! MF’ing Toy Story 3!

So it’s ok that Boss Baby wasn’t nominated for Best Picture. And it’ll be ok if Coco wins best animated picture. Because Boss Baby isn’t a film most people understand right now. It’s before it’s time. It’s a film that we will watch 10, 15, 20 years from now with our mouth agape, wondering how we missed so many signals, so many signs, so many messages. And we’ll laugh, because we knew it all along.